I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
