i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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