Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
