i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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