At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
