Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
