Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
