You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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