I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
