My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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