is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i love accidental penises.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
