Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
