i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
