I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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