dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
