If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
