Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
