What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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