You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
