he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
