my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
