I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
