I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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