i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
