I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You ruined the universe
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
