I'm going to jail i love you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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