This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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