Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He did a backflip because drugs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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