Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
sex in a hospital.. check
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
