Kiss
Puke
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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