I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The struggles of a small town man whore
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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