this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
