So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
