I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
