I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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