I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
