My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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