fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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