I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize