I could make wine with my vomit
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
