yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
