guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
