I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
