On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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