I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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