she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
