He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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