So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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