his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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