So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
