Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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