If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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