I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
