Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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