the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i drank out of a bidet.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
