Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
my liver is dry heaving
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
