Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
