Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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