Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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