The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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