i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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